We have been together for almost a year and I don’t know if I should continue the relationship. My partner is a very nice person, hardworking and I actually get on quite well with him. But I must say that it was not a great passion from the beginning. I was probably in love, or so I thought. In retrospect, I would evaluate it in such a way that I knew from the beginning that it was not the right one. But I thought to myself: I’m not going to miss a good guy, what would anyone else give for it, I’m already 35, what if I don’t meet anyone anymore. He is also handsome, not a repulsive looking guy. When we go somewhere together, women stare at him. Sometimes I’m even a little jealous and I feel like having sex. Otherwise, almost not at all. About three months after we started dating, something about him started to bother me. First I noticed that she was sipping – coffee, tea, soup, spaghetti. I knew in advance that he was going to do it, and I had a feeling that I was going to punch him. I know it’s disgusting, he doesn’t deserve it at all, but gradually there was more and more. Today, the only thing that disgusts me is when he touches me. But he still has no idea, doesn’t seem to notice and thinks we’re headed for a wedding. Should I give it another chance or is it better to end it, what do you think? I will be grateful for any reply, Jindra.
Answer
Dear Jindra, there are two interpretations of what you are experiencing. That is, rather what is happening in your emotional shell. The first one says that you are young and haven’t yet found what is called “breaking the bank” in choosing a partner. In short, it’s something that girls imagine from an early age. That feeling when a beautiful knight on a white horse stops next to you, your breath stops, butterflies start flying in your stomach and your heart starts to beat with excitement, as soon as he says in his deep (but pleasant) voice what you never dreamed of : “You are the only one in the world, I love you and I would give my life for you.”
Now unromantic. It’s just that you’ve been dating someone for a year who is “nice”, but it’s no world championship of passion. And here, in the simplest interpretation, we get to the core of the problem. “Fine” is simply not enough for you. You compare your dream feelings with the real ones. You compare the fiery glances from romantic movies to the ones you exchange. And something doesn’t suit you. You don’t know exactly what, but it has nothing to do with how you think it should look. Or rather, how you would like to feel. And that means it’s not that. It’s only been a year and you’re already resenting habits that should bother you many years later.
It’s only been a year and you’re already resenting habits that should bother you many years later.
I’ll tell you straight. You are not satisfied with your choice. You feel that there is not enough for you… and now it doesn’t matter which adjective I choose: charismatic, interesting, attractive. He’s just not your Mr. Božský, and it’s hard to break it at thirty-five by saying to yourself: He’s actually nice and looks good, so why don’t I feel anything, why don’t I respect him?
Maybe it’s easier than it seems at first glance. You don’t have children, you’re young and you see no reason why you shouldn’t wait for the right one. You’re just a little scared on the inside and you ask yourself (and me here) if you’re not too fussy, too picky and if the fault is not yours.
You probably aren’t. You just maintained a relationship for a whole year, which you doubted from the beginning. And if you keep doubting and it gets worse, you can’t resist that feeling. By the way, the fact that he thinks that everything is fine and sees himself already at the altar, and at the same time he is hostile to you to the point that you are uncomfortable just touching him – this speaks clearly about the (lack of) perspective of your relationship.
And now the second interpretation. This is related to a possible anxiety disorder, which can multiply certain sensations in you. A good example would be sipping. And also the fact that it turns you on so much that you say you would like to stick one on him. It’s hard to tell from the few lines that make up your question, but some situations manifest themselves very similarly in hypersensitive individuals suffering from one of the many variants of anxiety.
Unfortunately, even the second interpretation does not offer a much more optimistic development. Your powers of repulsion are so strong that they border on disrespect, and you are not far from contempt. Like I said, you don’t have kids and the only person you’re going to hurt is your partner. And maybe it will be more merciful for him too, if the end comes now and not after the wedding. As the lawyers say: Marriage is entered into with a mere promise, but divorce is given in the name of the republic.
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