Different relationship, but still the same type of man. Above all, what concerns the negative qualities. You solve similar problems again, you almost always know where this or that situation or discussion will lead – in short, the same scenario, but in a different version. At first glance, it seems that you do not have a lucky hand when choosing partners, and there is probably nothing that can be done about this fact. But what if this is not the case and you simply fell into a syndrome called fleabagging?
Break the vicious cycle
Fleabagging means choosing the same partners over and over again. The term is derived from the TV show Fleabag, where the main character, played by Phoebe Waller-Bridge, chose partners with the same characteristics – that is (not only) a very common phenomenon these days, but not incurable.
According to relationship therapists, the first (and most important) step to get out of this emotionally exhausting carousel is first to be aware of the situation, to wake up, to admit it and at the same time to be open to the possibility of solving it. As relationship expert Susan Trometti points out, it’s impossible to fix something you don’t know is happening to you.
Beware of (same) beginnings
Have all your partners been unambitious easy-goers with a tendency to cheat? Then they had one thing in common, and that was you and your “unlucky hand”. It was she who, regardless of all the (very well-known) warning signs, chose the given individual for a relationship.
How to get out of it? Learn to be vigilant in the early stages of a relationship. Yes, psychologists agree that it is often difficult to see things objectively despite the abundance of endorphins, desire and burning passion. However, this is where you can (in time) save yourself. If you already have the famous déjà vu during the first meeting, listen to your intuition, which, especially in these cases, works as the best possible prediction of what will follow.
An outside opinion won’t hurt
If you don’t know what to do with your situation, don’t be afraid to share it and discuss it with those closest to you. They often see things a little more objectively than you do, and can point you to obvious mistakes that you repeatedly make when choosing. However, it is also not out of the question to listen to the opinion of a completely independent party, and bet on a therapist or psychologist. The insight of someone who has far more experience than you through years of experience can be very rewarding.
“No alcoholics or workaholics”
Make a detailed list of what you expect from your counterpart. At the same time, make a list of what you absolutely do not want. Therapists point out that after writing down the characteristics of your desired counterpart, you will most likely come across big differences between what you desire and what you have had so far. However, this is what they say is the best possible indicator of your new direction to stick to. And not that you end up like Bridget Jones with a list of alcoholics, workaholics, commitment-phobes, married men, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional screw-ups or villains and perverts – because she ended up in bed with a man who was the personification of all these qualities.
I deserve something more
Chances are, after years of fleabagging, your self-esteem isn’t exactly stellar. However, its growth must be intensively attended to. Therefore, start paying attention to “me time” – develop yourself, devote time and energy to mental and physical recovery. Surround yourself with people who inspire you and value your time, and be yourself. Many psychologists agree that an increased level of self-confidence also leads to a better choice of partners and the subsequent quality of relationships. Many people fall into the clutches of bad partners also because, in their opinion, they don’t deserve anything better. As you begin to invest in yourself and raise your self-worth (even in your own eyes), you will begin to accept the fact that you deserve a better relationship and a better partner.
As philosophy professor Mark D. White argues, your relationship should serve you, not the other way around. And that the wait for someone to show up takes too long? Rome was also not built in a day, but its beauty has taken people’s breath away for centuries. Therefore, do not rush into anything and do not jump headlong into a relationship with the first person who appeared on the horizon and looks just a little promising. That “your” counterpart will appear sooner or later…