SATIRE: Russians mysteriously fall from windows and FSB agents refuse to go to the doctor, we find out why

SATIRE: Russians mysteriously fall from windows and FSB agents refuse to go to the doctor, we find out why
SATIRE: Russians mysteriously fall from windows and FSB agents refuse to go to the doctor, we find out why

Maganov is not the first prominent Russian to perish under very strange circumstances. Falling from a window is a very common cause of death in Russia recently. But there are other terrible things happening to Russian oligarchs.

In July, Russian oligarch Yuri Voronov was found in the pool of his luxurious St. Petersburg villa, in February, high-ranking Gazprom manager Alexander Tyulakov was found hanged in his also luxurious home, Lukoil manager Alexander Subotin, his entire family, including himself, were accidentally poisoned with toad poison during a session with a shaman shot high-ranking official Vladislav Avayev, Gazprom Inevest head of transport Leonid Shulman stabbed himself in the bathroom, and Gazprom’s chief accountant Sergej Protosena killed himself, his wife and children with a knife in the garden of the house in Spain where he was currently on vacation. Really terrible, and we may have forgotten someone.

Russia is a country of many tragedies

In short, Russia is a country of almost ancient tragedies. But there was no indication that it should perhaps be someone else’s fault. After all, the Russian police investigated everything very carefully and always concluded that, unfortunately, it was an accident or a very ugly mass suicide.

But we got our hands on a recording from the FSB center itself, which shows that Ravil Maganov’s latest case may be something other than a careless slip on the sixth floor after all. It captures a conversation between a rank-and-file Secret Service officer and his commanding general.

Secret Service secret tape

“I declare the mission accomplished, General. The bird has fallen from the nest.’

“Yes, yes, Charasha, I understand. But the bird wasn’t supposed to fly out of the nest until tomorrow, we don’t even have obituaries prepared, nor is the official version ready. You screwed up!”

“General, I’m sorry. It got complicated. It was all complicated, I also told my wife that … “

“Hmm, so wife. A bird fell from the sixth floor and you tell your wife about it?! Are you crazy?!”

“I didn’t mean it like that, she doesn’t know anything, she’s completely stupid anyway, she doesn’t even know that I have a lover and a second apartment in Vienna, she’s so stupid!”

“I know, I know Jelena. Yes, she is very stupid to marry such a fool! You have broken all the rules! You know what, I’ll forget about the whole thing, but you’re going to see our doctor, okay? You’re overworked, you make mistakes, maybe you’re even sick.”

“No, God no! I don’t want to see a doctor, have mercy!”

“What are you crazy about, it’s a routine health checkup. You seem a bit pale to me.’

“I’m fine, I’m perfectly healthy! I don’t want to see a doctor, please!’

“Would you rather see a shaman? Someone prefers traditional medicine and all these rituals. I won’t be of much use for that, but I’ll feel free to refer you to a shaman. They say he’s a Tuvan, very capable.”

“No, definitely not the shaman! I’ve seen it there once before. There’s smoke everywhere, the shaman looks like he hasn’t washed in a month and smells like frogs. No one will get me into that rotten yurt of his!”

“Well, what do you think, if you don’t want to, you don’t want to. At least you should start swimming a little. Swimming is extremely healthy. You have a pool, right? Do you like swimming?’

“For God’s sake, no, the pool is empty anyway, and I don’t swim at all, I hate water, I don’t go in the pool! No pool, please!’

“So what about you? You don’t want to see a doctor, you don’t want a shaman, you don’t want to go to the pool… You don’t care about your health at all, that’s what I’m telling you. At the same time, you should think about the family, the children. If something happened to you, you know how things are these days, times are bad and a family without a father is in a difficult situation, Jelena would have to start working…

“My God, good, you won. Let’s get this over with, so I’ll go to the doctor. But don’t drag the family into it, they’re not to blame.”

“You made a good decision. Health is most important. Our doctor will examine you, he is very experienced. So come see our specialist tomorrow morning. Do you know where?’

“Yes, the military clinic … third floor.

“No no, there is painting now, our doctor has moved to the twelfth.”

“Uh…till twelve?”

“Yes, until twelve. At least you will have a wonderful view of the whole of Moscow. Now fall down, I have a lot of work to do.’

“Order, I fall.”

Where next: Senator Doubrava’s secret mission exposed.

The article is in Czech

Tags: SATIRE Russians mysteriously fall windows FSB agents refuse doctor find

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